Deconstructing Maternal Guilt
Guilt will be there, but what we can always control is how we react to it.
As I sat on the train heading into the bustle of Dublin city on my first day back into the office, I felt incredibly free. I had made this journey so many times before but this time was different. It was as though it were my first time stepping out into the world alone, independent and enjoying the solitude. That was of course until I sat down at my desk and it hit me. I shouldn't be feeling this carefree, surely my 7-month-old is crying for me at home with her grandparents, wondering where I am, why I am not there to change her, feed her, offer her reassurance? In an instant, the emotions came flooding in. “You've got this Anne”, I told myself. “She will be fine”. I picked up the phone and called home, and sure enough, everything was just as if I were still there. But not to me. You see that's the funny thing about becoming a mother. Guilt becomes that unwelcome guest that just won't leave. It follows you around, reminding you of your shortcomings, pointing out what you should be doing, how you should be feeling, and of course, how well every other mother is doing in comparison.
Before I became a mother, I heard about this strange phenomenon called ‘Maternal Guilt' or ‘Mom Guilt' as it is referred to on numerous forums online. But never did I realise its impact until August of 2017 when I became a mother myself. I read a quote recently from Ariana Huffington which resonated with me so much, "…emotionally I sometimes think that they take the baby out and they put the guilt in." So, if guilt is this unwelcome guest that research by Nuk shows affects 87% of mothers at some point, then its undoubtedly significant enough to warrant closer inspection.
Guilt is a complex emotion that is often related to anxiety. It is generally linked to our relationship with others, making us more aware of how our actions or perceived actions might affect someone else, which makes it useful under certain conditions. It allows us to get a better sense of our behaviours and how it affects those we love. But if we take guilt at face value and we don't explore it, we may find ourselves completely at its mercy, which is where guilt can become a significant obstacle when it comes to parenting in particular.
The thing about maternal guilt is, it doesn't just affect a particular portion of mothers. The media often focuses on the guilt working mothers face on returning to the office, but the same can also be true of those who choose to stay at home. That said, guilt isn't always related to one's own ability as a mother. Guilt can be looking at your partner at night, knowing you haven't been able to be fully present in your relationship because you feel overwhelmed. Guilt can be prioritising 5 minutes to take a shower when those 5 minutes could have been spent doing the laundry. Guilt can arise when you feel you are letting people down because you are so physically exhausted you can't even make a cup of tea let alone ask someone how their day has been. We need to look at where the guilt comes from, how to deal with it and essentially how to break its spell by exploring it in depth, so it loosens its hold on our day to day lives.
One of the most useful exercises in getting to grips with maternal guilt is to make a note of each guilty feeling that arises and jot it down on a piece of paper. Ask yourself WHY is this particular situation making me feel guilty? Write it down. How could I reframe this guilt, to look at it in from a different and perhaps more positive perspective? And finally, is there anything I can do right now which would help alleviate this feeling. It's imperative to document this in order to get the guilt out of your head and externalise it to see it for what it truly is, an obstacle preventing you from moving forward. For example, if you feel guilty that you are leaving your child for an evening, how might this be reframed? I like to call this the Name It, Reframe It and Tame It technique. Guilt doesn't look so bad when we break it down and reveal it for what it is, a nagging voice which loses its power over us once we externalise it, question it and realise it most often serves no other purpose other than to make us feel like a bad parent. Let's look at the following example:
Name It:
Guilty feeling – I feel guilty for leaving my daughter overnight with her grandparents so that myself and my partner can spend some quality time together as a couple and have an uninterrupted night's sleep.
Why? - I won't be there for her if she wakes during the night. She will be scared and will think I have abandoned her.
Reframe it:
How can I look at this differently? – this is valuable time spent nurturing my relationship with my partner so that we can provide our daughter with happy, well-rested parents rather than being disconnected or exhausted and not being able to give our best. Happy parents, happy child! Her grandparents will be in the next room if she wakes, so she won't be scared as it will be someone she knows and trusts. She may not even wake!
Tame It:
What can I do? - I can ask my parents to send me a couple of updates throughout the evening if I feel particularly anxious. I can feel more prepared by making sure everything is to hand should she wake up hungry throughout the night. I can remind myself of how great tomorrow will be with her when I have had a bit of quality time with my partner and a good night's sleep, not to mention the positive effects on us as a family.
Try it! This can be a beneficial exercise in really deconstructing guilt, and the harmful hold it can have on us. And it can be just as useful in realising what guilt might be trying to tell you. Guilt is not always negative; it can be a signal that something needs further investigation. Perhaps after a few months now you realise the crèche isn't right, or your job is just not flexible in any way and it might be worth looking at other options. But without exploring the feeling, we cannot know what purpose, if any it serves.
Another invaluable skill to develop is creating to-do lists. I have only learned the value of to-do lists since I became a mother because after becoming a parent, I learned the hard way that if it's not in my journal, you can be sure I will forget it. In order to be productive, it's so important to look at how you manage the time you do have and how you prioritise the tasks at hand so that you aren't feeling unnecessarily guilty for overlooking something important. For example, if I have anything accounts related to attend to or phone calls to make, I know that the only completely uninterrupted time I have is when my daughter naps. In that hour, I can get more done than I used to in 24 hours. But also, I know the importance of making a ‘Me' list. If I have a to-do list full of cleaning, laundry, getting back to emails but I have not slept and I feel at breaking point, I will ALWAYS make sure to take a rest when nap time comes around. Why? Because you cannot pour from an empty cup. Get good at acknowledging what is genuinely high priority and what can wait a couple of hours or even a day or two and if it can wait, let it. Don't lose yourself in the chaos. I urge all parents to make sure that any to do lists include a block called ‘Me Time,' even if it's a 15-30 minute guilt free period spent reading a book, catching up with a friend or walking around the garden if you can't get out of the house.
The thing is, guilt will always be there. When your child gets sick, and you can't make them better, when you drop them to school on their first day, when they are older and someone breaks their heart for the first time. As time moves forward, we lose control over so many external factors in life. But what we can always control is our reaction. There will always be a mother who chooses to parent differently to you, there will still be someone who believes that you are wrong to work full time or wrong to stay at home, and there will never be any shortage of social media profiles portraying a completely false idea of the perfect mother or the perfect family.
Do yourself a favour, appreciate yourself, show yourself compassion. Acknowledge that your choices are based on what is right for you and your family at any given moment, and free yourself from unnecessary guilt. Remember - Name It, Reframe It and Tame It! As I sit here, writing this article with my now 3 year old daughter in front of me trying to close my laptop, I'm reminded that I'm not perfect, but I also don't need to feel guilty about that. I am showing her that I am following my passion; to write, to help people and hopefully to contribute to a society in the future where she can be confident in the fact that its ok not to be the perfect mother, good enough is more than enough. And I'm OK with that.